redfall

I am writing while lying on the floor and petting my cat.

I’ve been thinking a lot about confessing to the girl i like.

It’s a difficult situation because the current state we are in can’t really be named.

It seems like we are friends, yet, do friends hold hands? Or sit in each other’s shoulders?

I don’t think so. But what about her?
A drawing of us.

I will call her M.

| 12/21 M and i will go to the movies with my best friend (Pickles) and his girl.

We are friends since elementary.

In the beginning of the year i was dating a girl, M and I started to get closer around this time and when i broke up with this girl i distanced myself from M, i thought our friendship was a little strange and she talked about my distance with Pickles.

Because of that, i started talking to her again, but this time we got *really* closer.

And now, this is my situation;

I think i have feelings for her, and maybe — just maybe, she feels the same.

Yesterday was the last day of school and because i was in doubt about her feelings, i tried to get physically CLOSER to her

I say this way because we already touch a lot, especially *me*.

Due to this, people started to ask:

are you dating her?

no! we just friends.

After that, she said:

yeah, we are friends.

Maybe i shoulded have waited for her answer. But knowing her, she would’ve awswered the same way.

It’s a little bit rare for her to make the first move when it comes to physical touch. She never reacts badly, but she also doesn’t react well: she just doesn’t react. She just stays there, and I feel like a… monster. Do I contaminate her body with my touch? Maybe. Maybe it never goes away.

The times I remember when she seemed comfortable and actually enjoying this closeness were:

At the beginning of the year, when we started getting closer,

And besides that, when we go out with friends — she seems more relaxed about it.

Yesterday, the most significant touch I made was the following — and please remember that on this day I really tried to push the limits a bit, to understand what her limits were.

The gesture in question was putting my hand around her waist and resting my head under hers while we watched the teacher explain a game during our free time in class.

She then said:

why are you like that?

it’s comfortable

I wait a few seconds.

do you want me to move?

oh… yeah. my head hurts.

She had already said before that she had a headache. But what if that was an excuse? Is that her limit?

When we take pictures, she always rests on my shoulder or on my chest. But that’s the thing — what if, for her, all of this is just friendship?

I saw M with her younger sister one day when her sister’s school visited ours. She held her sister’s hand while talking, in the same way she does with me. Is it just friendship?

I talked to M about why I had distanced myself from her — it was because of some things she did — and she cried and apologized many times. So, the next day — which was yesterday — she was closer to me. Close enough that a staff member at school commented:

what happened today? you two were so close. you really looked like a couple, more than on other days.